Dave Spikey Jokes – Live Stand Up & Phoenix Nights Quotes

Funny actor, writer and comedian Dave Spikey has won two British Comedy Awards and one from the Royal Television Society, and has been a BAFTA nominee.

Spikey co-wrote Channel 4’s hilarious Phoenix Nights, in which he co-starred as gloriously naff northern nightclub compere Jerry St Clair. He also co-wrote and co-starred in Dead Man Weds and Magnolia; presented Bullseye and was a team captain on four series of 8 out of 10 Cats, as well as being a host on More 4’s book show. He is also a veteran of the live comedy circuit, with his Dave SpikeyBest Medicine Tour available on DVD.

Here are some funny quotes from his stand-up as well as classic quotes from Phoenix Nights.

  • they had a top10 list most painful things in life that women had to endure….number 1, and I’m guessing that not many women have had this done – having their nipples clamped. I thought ‘noooo’, having them towed away’s got to be worse.
  • get to the escalators, saw there was a sign on the escalators, dog must be carried on this escalator, could I find a dog, could I fuck.
  • Jerry St.Clair: Deaf Tony died last week.
    Brian Potter: No.
    Jerry St.Clair: Fifty six!
    Brian Potter: That’s no age. What’d he die of?
    Jerry St.Clair: Bin lorry. Nipped out to check they’d emptied his bin . . . reversed over him.
    Brian Potter: How’s Irene taken it?
    Jerry St.Clair: Badly . . . and they never emptied her bin.
  • Max: God Jerry what aftershave have you got on there? It stinks.
    Jerry St.Clair: Something you lot couldn’t afford.
    Paddy: What’s that, Fabreeze?
  • Student: Do you take N.U.S.?
    Max: I don’t take none of that shit love, and neither should you. I treat my body like a temple, none of your ha-ha hashish.
  • Paddy: Prostitutes in Amsterdam are dead filthy, this one I went to, she made me wash my old man in the sink.
    Max: What, you took your dad?

A Bit More About Dave
His career began as a biomedical scientist in a haematology lab at hospital in Bolton, Lancashire, and human blood was his chosen subject on Celebrity Mastermind a few years ago – which he won.

Dave Spikey’s first book, He Took My Kidney Then Broke My Heart, was published in October last year by Michael O’Mara books. The DVD of his latest show, The Best Medicine, is also out now, and both have been well-received. He is also due to play various stand-up dates across the UK in autumn 2010 and spring 2011.

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