Dirty Limericks – Adult Themed Limericks

We’ve posted some funny limericks before. They were not ideal for kids, but at the same time they were not overly strong. So here we are back for more and even more brutal. Now here are is a collection of dirty limericks for the filthy minded only! They’ve all been sent to us from the beginning of a book titled “Dirty Limericks” by Anonymous, I’m sure you can work out what the book contains.

Girl on bed likes limericks
She really wants to hear some limericks.

Let’s jump in and share the funnies. You can see a load more in the comments which you guys have hilariously posted, some are absolutely brilliant!

These are adult themed so if you are easily offended, leave now!

There was a young man from Kildare,
Who was having his girl on the stair,
On the forty-fourth stroke,
The banister broke,
And he finished her off in mid-air!

There was a young girl of Cape Cod,
Who thought babies were fashioned by God,
But it was not the Almighty,
Who lifted her nightie,
It was Roger the lodger, that sod!

There was a young man of Cape Horn,
Who wished he had never been born,
And he wouldn’t have been,
If his father had seen,
That the end of the rubber was torn.

There was a young chap from out yonder,
Who buggered a big anaconda,
He regretted this crime,
For the rest of his time,
While the reptile grew fonder and fonder.

Add Your Own and Read Others

Scroll down now to the comments section where lots of other people have contributed their own fantastic poetic additions. Created a limerick yourself? Please submit it. Thanks everyone for the amazing contributions so far, too many to name.

Books of Limericks

If you love funny limericks check out these brilliant books, it would maybe make a nice novelty present for someone who has this sense of humour, or just for yourself of course to feed your mind with the beautiful English language being used at it’s finest.

Products from Amazon.co.uk

    As always, you’re welcome to add your own below in the fantastic comment area, just scroll that little mouse of yours and you will reach your destination. Please remember what the requirements are. A limerick is a humorous poem consisting of five lines. It if doesn’t meet those simple guidelines it’s not welcome!

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    59 thoughts on “Dirty Limericks – Adult Themed Limericks

    1. There once was a man from Amelia
      Who accused of pedophilia
      But he denied all the rapes
      Until the cops found the tapes
      And the pictures of boys genitalia

    2. There once was a man named Lolo
      Whose particular passion was polo
      When asked by a lady
      To find a place shady
      He said ‘I’d rather go solo’

      This fellow he knew a neat trick
      Using a polo stick as a dick
      He’d take to the field
      With his butt tightly sealed
      And the sawed-off end very slick

      Then he would ride ev’ry mile
      With a pathetic, delilirious smile
      For nothing could measure
      The feeling of pleasure
      He got from ramming his pile

      So if by chance you should see
      This fellow I think you’ll agree
      You’ve been very near
      To a self-fucking queer
      Who happens to think he’s a she

    3. Here’s my favorite:

      The was once a man from Nantucket
      Who had a dick so large he could suck it
      He said with a grin
      As he wiped his chin
      If my ear was a cunt I’d fuck it

    4. There was a young man called O’Malley
      Who liked to watch porn on the telly
      He sat on the remote
      Which twisted his scrote
      Now his bollocks both quiver like jelly

    5. There once was a man called Crockett
      Who tried to take off in a rocket
      The rocket went bang
      His balls went twang
      And they found his dick in his pocket

    6. There was an old man from Havana
      Who’d do anything for a tanner
      His favourite trick
      Was to stand on his dick
      And tighten his balls with a spanner

    7. There was an old man from Gwent
      Whose dick was all twisted and bent
      He once shot his load
      Which made him implode
      And instead of coming, he went

    8. The Woman From Soho

      There once was a woman from West Soho
      Who walked with a wiggle on her tip toes
      During the day all the guys turned the other way
      But at night they brought her their pay
      The woman from West Soho made lots of dough

    9. Hickory Dickory Dock
      The whore sucked on my cock
      I shot a round, she choked it down
      Much better than a sock

    10. There once was a young woman from Kent.
      Who went to sleep in a tent
      She screemed that’s a big pole
      will it go in my hole
      But After the event it went bent

    11. Er .. I’ve insanely written a filthy limerick for every town in the UK (Great Britain and Northern Ireland) that didn’t already have one! You can find the results on Amazon, The Great British Limerick Book which has the resulting 900+ limericks in it.

      A couple of them here
      .
      My one for the town of Guildford in Surrey:

      At McDonald’s in Guildford in Surrey
      I spilt coffee on my crotch in a scurry
      I had to act quick
      To cool down my dick
      So I stuck it into my McFlurry

      or my one for the town of Luton (the cleanest one I’ve written!)

      I once went to a bed-shop in Luton
      With nothing but my birthday suit on
      I always get undressed
      Before having a rest
      And I wanted to try out a futon

      or my one for the town of Kettering:

      There was a young man from Kettering
      With a tattoo that would take some bettering
      He had The Birth of Venus
      Reproduced on his penis
      With the title in copperplate lettering

      more at http://www.gb-limericks.com and http://www.scottishlimericks.com

    12. To young men I would like to say something
      If women are not really your thing
      Please don’t try to change
      you may have much more range
      As a top or a bottom or a something

    13. There once was a fellow from Boston
      Whose only car was his Austin
      He had room for his ass
      And a gallon of gas
      But his balls hung out and he lost’em

    14. There once was a man named Billy
      Whose bedmates included a filly
      He felt no remorse
      For bangin’ a horse
      Til’ he found out her name was Willy

      There once was a man named Sam
      Who had a little lamb
      He kept it to screw it
      But then came to rue it
      For it wasn’t a ewe, but a ram

    15. I once met a maiden from Stonebrook Hollow.
      She didn’t talk much but boy did she swallow.
      I have a nice lance that she sat upon.
      The maiden from Stonebrook, who’s also your mom.

    16. There once was a girl from Baleise
      Who’s pussy hair hung to her knees
      The crabs on her twat
      Tied her hairs in a knot
      And constructed a flying trapeze.

    17. I know a young man from Cancoon
      Who’s fart’s could be heard from the moon
      When he’d least expect them
      They’d burst from his rectum
      With the sound of a double bassoon .

    18. There once was a man from Frazini,
      Who spilt some gin on his weenie,
      Not being uncouth,
      He added vermouth,
      And slipped his date a martini.

    19. Did You Hear about Young Johnny Locket,
      Who got Blown down the Street by a rocket?
      The Force of the blast
      Blew his Balls up his ass
      And his pecker was found in his Pocket.

    20. from the depths of the crypt in st. giles, came a bloodcurdling scream heard for miles, said father Ignatius, My goodness gracious, I forgot the bishop had piles!

    21. there was a young lady from France,
      who found herself on a train by pure chance.
      While the engineer fucked her,
      She blew the conductor,
      And the porter went off in his pants

    22. There once was a lady named Alice
      who uses a stick of dynamite as her palace
      They found her vagina in south Carolina
      And parts of her ass in Dallas.

    23. There once was a jerkwad from Wales
      Who always excreted in pails;
      They collared the nut
      And sealed his ass shut
      With Bondo and ten-penny nails.

    24. Hickory dickory dock,
      The mouse ran up the clock,
      The mouse ran down, his arse was brown
      And so was the cuckoos cock.

    25. There once was a girl she was willing
      She once had this funny feeling
      She laid on her back
      She opened her crack
      Then pissed all over the ceiling

    26. There once was a girl from Hoboken
      Who claimed her cherry was broken
      While riding her bike on a cobblestone pike
      But it was really broken from pokin

    27. There was a diseased young stud
      Who enjoyed pulling his pud
      But whenever he yanked
      His goo always stank
      And gushed out along with some blood.

    28. There once was a man from Cork
      Who would only eat soup with a fork.
      He said it’s not good for “binness”,
      as he finished his Guinness,
      since I actually invented the Spork.

    29. There was a young lady from Neath,
      Who circumcised men with her teeth,
      It wasn’t for money,
      Or trying to be funny,
      But the cheese she found underneath!

    30. There once was a girl named Sam,
      who’s twat could swallow a can…
      She hopped up on the table,
      warmed up with a ladle,
      and shoved in the Christmas ham.

    31. There was a President known as Barak,
      who tied violin strings to his cock.
      When he got an erection
      he played a selection
      from Johann Sebastian Bach.

    32. there was a young lady from leeds who swallowed a packet of seeds in half and hour her vaginia was a flower and her arse was a bunch of weeds

    33. mary had a little lamb, she kept him in the yard.
      when she took her panties off, his wolly dick got hard!

    34. mary had a little lamb, her father shot him dead.
      now she takes him to school each day, between two pieces of bread.

    35. a fly flew through a open door of a village grocer store
      pissed on the cheese and shit on the ham
      and wiped his arse on the grocer man
      the fly flew around the window pane
      and went to shit on the ham again
      when he’d finished his dirty work
      he flew across to the lady clerk
      up her leg he took a stoll
      and took a bath in the ladys hole
      she cried out oh my you bastard fly
      you cant stay there
      she squeesed her legs and held her breath
      and the poor little fly got squashed to death

    36. there was an old women of leeds
      who swallowed a packet of seeds
      in less than an hour
      her tits was a flower
      and her fanny was covered in weeds

    37. there was three witches from kent who found a dead man in his tent, the three naughty witches pulled down the mans britches and played with his dick till it bent

    38. There was a young man from Swaffham,
      Who took out his bollocks to Wash ’em,
      And his wife said Jack,
      if you dont put them back,
      i’ll pull out a brick and squash ’em.

    39. Hickory Dickory Dock
      the mouse ran up the clock
      The clock struck one
      The other two escaped with minor injuries

    40. There was a girl named Stacky,
      She went out with a darkie.
      The results of here sins,
      were quads, not twins.
      One black, one white and two khaki.

    41. There was a girl, who begat,
      three babies,Nat, Pat and Tat.
      It was fun in breeding,
      but hell in feeding.
      There was no Tit for Tat.

    42. Hickory dickory dock, the mouse ran up the clock, the clock STRUCK one, the other two escaped with minor injuries.

    43. Mary had a little sheep, with the sheep she did sleep, the sheep turned out to be a Ram, Mary had a little lamb:)

    44. Little miss muffet sat on her tuffet, eating her curds and whey, along came a spider and sat down besider and said “What’s in the bowl bitch? “Little boy blue”— he needed the money!

    45. Old mother Hubbard went to the cupboard to get her poor dog a bone, but when she bent over, old rover took over and gave her a bone of his own.

    46. Little miss muffet sat on her tuffet
      eating her kurds and whey
      along came a spider and sat down beside her
      and said “YO Bitch! how much for a blow job?”

    47. my limericks that i created:

      There once was a Man named Obama.
      Who ate a really nasty vagina
      But the Whore that he ate, had syphillis on her taint,
      And now he is the President of the United States
      HOLY SHIT! 🙂 ha ha ha (my new limerick)

      There once was a man named Osama;
      Who could not hide from the bombs of Obama;
      Till one day when seals came to play;
      who then blew his but up to Mohammad.

      Tweedle dee, tweedle dumb
      They could not carry anymore rum
      So they hired me to run that rum
      but i drank it until i cummed,
      all over that Puerto rican Bum

      Jack be nible;
      jack be quick;
      jack jumped over the candlestick;
      but oops he slipped upon the stick;
      which went up his ass, and now he is
      jack be queer with a candlestick in his ass.

      Mary who is 21 yrs old 🙂 had a little lamb
      who’s fleece was white as snow
      then one day the whore came to play
      and i fucked her all day like a whore

      there was once a woman named Tracy
      who took too much extacy;
      As i laid down beside her;
      my prick slipped inside her
      she then screams like a banshee;
      (put it in the wrong hole) 🙂

      Hairy hairy sweet little cherry
      how i wander how old you are
      twas a blessing to lick your taint
      I shall taste you again in the morning 🙂

      Hairy hairy sweet little cherry
      how i wander how old you are
      twas a mistake to lick your taint
      now im hell a mournin. 🙂

    48. this little boy named dog swalloew a frog, but than his mother saidthat it was a log,but afther a party he sung a song, wich he stole from a grounghog,they found out it was grounghogs day on th same day as his birthday.

    49. There was a girl named clair.
      Her body was completely covered with hair.
      It was quite a fun,
      to poke her with one’s gun.
      You know, her quimmy may be anywhere!

    50. I once knew a girl from Wheeling,Who had a particular feeling,She laid on her back and tickled her crack, and pissed all over the ceiling

    51. There was a girl from Exeter
      So beautiful, that men craned their necks at her.
      One was even so brave,
      to take out and wave,
      distinguishing mark of his sex at her.

    52. Tired of her husband’s great mass,
      newly wed stuffed her vagina with glass.
      Prick of her hubby
      is now short and stubby.
      For wife, she can piss through her ass.

    53. There was a girl from Sydney.
      She could take it right up to her kedney.
      But a guy from Qubeck,
      shoved it up to her neck.
      He had a long one, didn’t he?

    54. My limeric ;D

      There once was a man from china
      Who wanted to have a vagina
      So he sat on a rock 
      And cut off his cock
      And now he’s got a manjina.

    55. There once was a gay boy name Levar.
      Who fuck mike in the back of the car.
      the horn went beep.
      they both went skeet.
      and now they can’twalkon there feet.

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