Heckler Put Downs

A heckler, by definition is “someone who tries to embarrass you with gibes and questions and objections”. If you have the desire to be a comedy performer on the stage then you will have to learn to deal with these people all the time. It is a big part of the fun of stand-up.

Here we go with some heckler put downs. If you think you’ve got better fire away in the comments section with your own!

Warning: contains strong language.

• “I’ve seen you before haven’t I fella. That’s right, I saw you in the car park getting our of your car, now I know why the fuck you were in a disabled space.”
• “I’ve seen you before haven’t I young lady. That’s right, I saw you in the car park getting out of your car, for this woman normal spaces aren’t wide enough so she parks in the mother/baby spaces to squeeze out her fat arse.”
• “I’ve seen you before haven’t I. I saw you in Sainsbury’s earlier today. A fat free yoghurt isn’t going to be enough to help you out.”
• (If they say “wasn’t me” to the above) “Oh right, and I suppose it also wasn’t you who dribbled on the hot chicken counter! Yeah, I know what you chubby lot are like.”
• “Look stop heckling, I’m busy right now, can I ignore you some other time.”
• “I would make a joke about nailing your girlfriend. But I can see your shagging a fatty so I won’t even bother with that.”
• “Don’t you need a license to be such an ugly bastard? I’m surprised you’re allowed in public without consent.”
• “Not get that joke? The lights are on but nobody’s home.”
• “Is that your girlfriend next to you? Or your sister, I guess it makes no odds, you look like the sort of fella who regardless of relation would still fuck ’em.”
• “I love people like you, I don’t need to do gags, your such a twat you can just shout stuff at me and bring the house down!”
• “I’ve had shits that have made me laugh more then you.”
• “I hate hecklers like you, too easy. Shall I take the piss because you’re fat, ginger, ugly, spekky, badly dressed, need a shave, look distinctly like a paedo, and if I was a betting man, you stink of BO.”
• “Right this show only goes on for 2 hours, so if you don’t pipe down I think other people will make you pipe down. They paid to see me, and not you, for a fucking reason.”
• “I’ve seen starving Africans with more enthusiasm then you.”
• “Are you old enough to buy a ticket for this show? You’ve probably got less pubes down there then a porn star.”

Fancy yourself as a funny man? You can leave your own ones in the comment section below.