Jack Dee Quotes – 9 Funny Jokes & Videos!

Photo of Jack Dee performing lice at The ApolloJack Dee is a veteran of British comedy. Here we celebrate this great stand-up performer with a collection of brilliant jokes he’s told.

Jack’s always been well-known for his sardonic, deadpan style of humor. He’s released several highly rated DVDs including; “Live Again,” “London Palladium,” and a box set of performances which is an easy to way to get all of his material easy.

Let’s stop the rambling and get into the good stuff.

Some Of Jack’s Best Gags

  • “I hate people who think it’s clever to take drugs…like custom officers. Aren’t they a bunch of b*****ds, all that finger up the a***hole, all day long. They put a uniform on, for a job like that, can you imagine doing that? ‘Just off to work now dear’. ‘Have a nice day at the orifice’.”
  • “One of my friends went on a murder weekend…now he is doing life for it”
  • “My local’s rough as anything. I went to the pub quiz the other night…First question was, “What the f**k are you looking at?”
  • “I read in my local newspaper, they had this advert, ‘Please look after your neighbours in the cold weather’, and shall I tell you something about that? I live next door to this 84-year-old woman, do you know, not once has she come round to see if I’m all right. Lazy cow hasn’t even taken her milk in for a fortnight!”
  • “Studies show 1 in 5 British teens are unable to peel an orange…It’s a good job they’ve all got knives then.”
  • “The rain forest has Sting. Now Siberia has Jack Dee. Someone had to draw the short straw. In this case it was the rain forest.”
  • “Koreans have recently brought out their own vegetarian version of an instant noodle snack. It’s called Not Poodle.”
  • “The film industry is like Anne Robinson…always on the look-out for a new face”
  • “Try saying: ‘Whale Oil Beef Hooked’ without sounding like an Irish man swearing.”


You’ve got to love Jack Dee’s sense of humour and live performance ability, he’s always good for a laugh! Let’s also enjoy some clips of the man in action.

Here’s one from years ago when he was a lot younger.

For full live performances you can still buy his DVDs to add to your collection. They may also be available on the streaming service you use.

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