Frank Skinner Jokes & Quotes

The football loving godfather of ‘lad’ humour, comedy veteran Frank Skinner has been doing stand-up since the 1980s. He became a household name presenting football show Fantasy Football League between 1994 and 2004. With ex-flatmate David Baddiel, he presented Baddiel and Skinner Unplanned from 2000 to 2005. In 2007, he returned to stand-up after a 10-year break from the circuit.

Frank Skinner Wearing West Brom ScarfHis own chat show ran from 1995 until 2005 and Skinner topped the charts with football song Three Lions for Euro 1996. It was re-released in 1998. Other TV credits include Have I Got News for You, Never Mind the Buzzcocks, and Mock the Week.

Here are some of Franks funniest quotes.

  • A dog is not intelligent. Never trust an animal that’s surprised by its own farts.
  • If my career fails there is always alcoholism to fall back on.
  • When you have sex with a glow-in-the-dark condom, it’s like being in a lighthouse. It’s light, it’s dark. It’s light, it’s dark. It’s light, it’s dark.
  • Muslim women, instead of wearing the head-to-toe burka thing, they could wear Disney character suits. They’d be covered, and it’s a little more fun.
  • You know you’re getting old when, after they’ve cut your hair, the barber asks: ‘Do you want me to trim your ears as well?’.
  • It’s horrible when you’re having sex and you have to stop halfway through, like when the doorbell goes, or the saucepan boils over … or you run out of money.
  • My mate has the campest walk ever. We did a sponsored 13-mile walk once and I tied his shoe laces together as a joke. He didn’t even notice.
  • When I was a kid I ran everywhere. Do kids still run these days? I thought all that glue sniffing might have slowed them down.

Watch a clip from the first episode of TV show Frank Skinner’s Opinionated:

Read Skinner’s regular Times column, or download a podcast of him on Sony award-winning form on Absolute Radio. His latest show, ‘Opinionated’, began its run on BBC2 this April. DVDs of his various stand-up performances are also available.

Image used under creative commons, from flickr/friendsofthestars.

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