Frank Skinner Jokes

The football-loving godfather of ‘lad’ humour, comedy veteran Frank Skinner has been doing stand-up since the 1980s. He became a household name presenting football show Fantasy Football League between 1994 and 2004. With ex-flatmate David Baddiel, he presented Baddiel and Skinner Unplanned from 2000 to 2005. In 2007, he returned to stand-up after a 10-year break from the circuit.

His own chat show ran from 1995 until 2005 and Skinner topped the charts with football song Three Lions for Euro 1996. It was re-released in 1998. Other TV credits include Have I Got News for You, Never Mind the Buzzcocks, and Mock the Week.

Here are some of Franks funniest quotes:

• A dog is not intelligent. Never trust an animal that’s surprised by its own farts.
• If my career fails there is always alcoholism to fall back on.
• When you have sex with a glow-in-the-dark condom, it’s like being in a lighthouse. It’s light, it’s dark. It’s light, it’s dark. It’s light, it’s dark.
• Muslim women, instead of wearing the head-to-toe burka thing, they could wear Disney character suits. They’d be covered, and it’s a little more fun.
• You know you’re getting old when, after they’ve cut your hair, the barber asks: ‘Do you want me to trim your ears as well?’.
• It’s horrible when you’re having sex and you have to stop halfway through, like when the doorbell goes, or the saucepan boils over … or you run out of money.
• My mate has the campest walk ever. We did a sponsored 13-mile walk once and I tied his shoelaces together as a joke. He didn’t even notice.
• When I was a kid I ran everywhere. Do kids still run these days? I thought all that glue sniffing might have slowed them down.

Watch a clip from the first episode of TV show Frank Skinner’s Opinionated:

Read Skinner’s regular Times column, or download a podcast of him on Sony award-winning form on Absolute Radio. His latest show, ‘Opinionated’, began its run on BBC2 this April. DVDs of his various stand-up performances are also available.

Image used under creative commons, from flickr/friendsofthestars.