Heckler Put Downs

A heckler, by definition is “someone who tries to embarrass you with gibes and questions and objections”. If you have the desire to be a comedy performer on the stage then you will have to learn to deal with these people all the time. It is a big part of the fun of stand-up.

Here we go with some heckler put downs. If you think you’ve got better fire away in the comments section with your own!

Warning: contains strong language.

Cheeky heckler
Cheeky heckler.
  • “I’ve seen you before haven’t I fella. That’s right, I saw you in the car park getting our of your car, now I know why the fuck you were in a disabled space.”
  • “I’ve seen you before haven’t I young lady. That’s right, I saw you in the car park getting out of your car, for this woman normal spaces aren’t wide enough so she parks in the mother/baby spaces to squeeze out her fat arse.”
  • “I’ve seen you before haven’t I. I saw you in Sainsbury’s earlier today. A fat free yoghurt isn’t going to be enough to help you out.”
  • (If they say “wasn’t me” to the above) “Oh right, and I suppose it also wasn’t you who dribbled on the hot chicken counter! Yeah, I know what you chubby lot are like.”
  • “Look stop heckling, I’m busy right now, can I ignore you some other time.”
  • “I would make a joke about nailing your girlfriend. But I can see your shagging a fatty so I won’t even bother with that.”
  • “Don’t you need a license to be such an ugly bastard? I’m surprised you’re allowed in public without consent.”
  • “Not get that joke? The lights are on but nobody’s home.”
  • “Is that your girlfriend next to you? Or your sister, I guess it makes no odds, you look like the sort of fella who regardless of relation would still fuck ’em.”
  • “I love people like you, I don’t need to do gags, your such a twat you can just shout stuff at me and bring the house down!”
  • “I’ve had shits that have made me laugh more then you.”
  • “I hate hecklers like you, too easy. Shall I take the piss because you’re fat, ginger, ugly, spekky, badly dressed, need a shave, look distinctly like a paedo, and if I was a betting man, you stink of BO.”
  • “Right this show only goes on for 2 hours, so if you don’t pipe down I think other people will make you pipe down. They paid to see me, and not you, for a fucking reason.”
  • “I’ve seen starving Africans with more enthusiasm then you.”
  • “Are you old enough to buy a ticket for this show? You’ve probably got less pubes down there then a porn star.”

Fancy yourself as a funny man? You can leave your own ones in the comment section below.

4 thoughts on “Heckler Put Downs

  1. My personal favorite is “Not get that joke? The lights are on but nobody’s home.” I have been known to poke fun of friends and family, and that one has been used on me in the past before. Also, being a blond I often get simple jabs back at me that have to do with my hair color instead of commenting on just how funny the person thinks I am. Although I can often dish the sarcasm, I am never quick enough to jab back so I will definitely have to take note of all of these so that I have some answers to fire back in the future! Keep them coming!

  2. “Right this show only goes on for 2 hours, so if you don’t pipe down I think other people will make you pipe down. They paid to see me, and not you, for a fucking reason.”

    That one’s definitely the best, because it’s both true and lets the person know that they’re a twat and nobody else appreciates their humor. I’ve seen comedians use a similar bit of calling the heckler up onto the stage and handing them the mic, then sitting down in the audience to listen to them. It only takes a few seconds until they’re out of “clever” things to say and they’re booed by the crowd the entire time. Seeing them hang their head and hand the mic back is great.

    I think the best I’ve seen was Joe Rogan blasting a heckler who was drunk and thought she was special enough to yell her thoughts during his bit like he was having a conversation directly with her. She got a conversation but probably not the one she wanted.

  3. These are great! My favorite one is definitely “I would make a joke about shagging your girl but I see she’s a fatty so I won’t even bother.” It only makes me feel bad because she might be an innocent audience member while her boyfriend is being the ass. But then again, maybe she shouldn’t be dating such a jerk.

  4. I really like watching hecklers get destroyed by comedians Ricky Gervais and Zach Galifianakis both have some amazing bits on youtube of them dealing with hecklers. Zach’s had a bit “Did you come to see me, or did you come to sit up on the stage and look at the fucking sound booth”

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