Mark Watson quotes and jokes during stand-up comedy routines

Comedian and writer Mark Watson is a Cambridge graduate who first performed as a student in the Footlights, with whom he was nominated for a Perrier Comedy Award at the 2001 Edinburgh Festival.

He is known for his frenetic style of comedy. Occasionally, these are marathon sessions lasting 24 hours, or, in the case of Mark Watson, And His Audience, Write A Novel, a literary workshops-cum-interactive comedy show.

Watson has also co-hosted BBC 4’s We Need Answers, based on the Edinburgh show of the same name and has often appeared on the likes of Never Mind the Buzzcocks and Have I Got News for You. His passion for the environment is a theme of a lot of his work.

Jokes by Mark Watson

• “I saw a poster for Mission Impossible III the other day. I thought: It’s not impossible if he’s already done it twice.”
• “I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was shout for help.”
• “There’s a buzz about Edinburgh you don’t get anywhere else. For a month, you get to feel that comedy is the most important art form.”
• (On his long-term goals.) “I want to have more courage, conquer my fear of lightning and, by my 40th birthday, be drinking 50% less of my current alcohol consumption. I also want to meet Barack Obama, or take significant steps to getting into Outer Space.”
• “I had a gig in Maidstone very early on. The venue doesn’t exist anymore – hopefully it burnt down. One doesn’t like to generalise but, well, they were all sub-human.”
• “I did my first 24-hour show, in 2004, and at the end I proposed to my wife.”
• “It’s hard to believe that if there is a God, he would want people to stand in the street and shout like maniacs. I think He would choose better qualified people.”
• “Hey, I’m just talking here. This is a comedy club. If you don’t like it, f**k off.”

Look out for tour dates for Mark to see him performing live. You can also catch him on the YouTube channel No More Jockeys with Alex Horne and Tim Key.