Laugh Again At Milton Jones Best One-Liners!
Without doubt a master of the classic one liner joke, sprinkle in some crazy t-shirts and a quirky personality and you have the one and only Milton Jones.
Laugh again at these very funny Milton Jones jokes:
- If they make it illegal to wear the veil at work, beekeepers are going to be furious.
- I donât know if youâve ever fallen asleep whilst eating a plate of cauliflower, and then woken up, and thought you were in the clouds.
- So I phoned up the spiritual leader of Tibet, he sent me a large goat with a long neck, turns out I phoned dial a lama.
- Old ladies in wheelchairs with blankets over their legs, I donât think soâŚretired mermaids.
- Incredible to think isnât it, that every single Scotsman, started off as a scotch egg. Old and gingery.
- Sometimes I wonder what my grandfather would think of what I do, he spent his whole life in the kebab business, was buried with all his equipment, probably turning in his grave.
- Someone brought in a dead squirrel. Talk about bad luck. Nut allergy.
- The pollen count, now thatâs a difficult job. Especially if youâve got hay fever.
- I lost my job as a cricket commentator for saying âI donât want to bore you with the detailsâ.
- Militant feminists, I take my hat off to them, they donât like that.
- Iâm very English really. I even ordered a book on the internet, âhow to have absolutely nothing to do with your neighboursâ. Unfortunately, I was out when it was delivered.
- Easiest job in the world of course, Australian psychiatrist, âGday Gday how you doing no worries nextâ.
- About a month before he died, my grandfather, we covered his back full of lard â after that, he went downhill very quickly.
Did you enjoy those one-liners? If so watch out for more as no doubt further releases will come from Milton in the future.
Really talented Comedian, very funny, his timing is brilliant!
Wonderfully surreal and very creative.
I was stood at the patient drop off at hospital today for three hours. Still nothing happened…
Yes, he’s great… But I always find him a little out of place on MTW. He has to rely on a fortunate cue, or maybe a round where they know he’ll be able to step up to the plate. It’s not really a criticism; his humour just isn’t comparable.
I thought I was the only one who thought Mr. Jones is attractive! If I could, I would like ‘Hope Bateman’s’ comment. He is absolutely brilliant, his jokes are clean, clever and well executed. He is absolutely loony! But that’s probably why he stands out for me amongst other comedians, his adorable Hawaiian shirts, and let’s not forget his smouldering green eyes! I’m seeing him next year April in Hammersmith, and pray I meet him. Keep it up Milton!
who picks up guide dog poo???
practice safe eating…..always use a condiment
this is a scottish sayin ok On yonder hill there stood a dookit [pigeon loft to yooz english] it’s no there noo somecunt took it
spent the day at a rollercoaster park today it had its ups and downs
I’ve got a book coming out soon…shouldn’t have eaten it really.
milton wen yoo kummin tay glezga canny wait by the way why do kamakazi pilots wear helmuts?
I first watched Milton in an appearance on Mock The Week and, being a fan of surrealist humour, thought that he was absolutely hysterical! His rapier wit and masterful timing when it comes to delivery makes him one of the finest alternative comedians in Britain today although he may have to wait until everyone who’s done Monty Python dies before claiming the official mantle. I wanted to see him in Cardiff but missed out because the tickets sold out so rapidly – a testament to the great man’s remarkable talents indeed! An insatiable delight guaranteed to raise a grin amongst even the most miserable individuals.
milton rules
who keeps putting top soil on my allotment…..the plot thickens
my friend drowned last week so i had a reef made in the shape of a life jacket…….. im sure its what he would have wanted
at last! a comedian who does’nt swear AND is funny! (like comedians of the past). keep it up Milton! enjoy watching (and laughing) you on ‘Mock the Week’.
My sister has hay fever, she was recently diagnosed with diabetes, so i decided to cheer her up, you know flowers, chocolates..
Milton dare to venture to “Sunny” Rhyl. Great entertainer, very quick and clever especially in dealing with a heckler…never once resorted to a swear word
Moor, moor, moor!!!
What an amazing man. Have you ever laughed so much at one liner jokes? He’s my favourite comedian. I’m seriously loving the one liner thing! This page should be updated more!
Yes Jon I agree with you to ‘like’ Hope Bateman’s comment, Hope I love this man too, he makes smile before he opens his mouth…
Saw his show recently. Totally brilliant and not one swear word. Jimmy Carr, watch and learn
I wish it were possible to “like” Hope Bateman’s comment!
I love this one-liner king! He’s really attractive too, in my opinion. Yes, there is someone in this world who is madly in love with Milton Jones! I would like to have a shot at doing stand up comedy and he’s one of my idols. The weird guy with the shirts from Mock The Week has me falling at his feet! Lol! But really, I do like him x
Love your sense of Grandfathers