One-Liner Jokes By Jimmy Carr!
![face of Jimmy Carr](https://chucklebuzz.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/03/jimmy-carrs-face1.jpg)
Jimmy Carr has a dark sense of humour, often controversial. Some people hate him, many love him!
Although a good presenter of Cats Does Countdown, arguably his biggest strength is in stand-up. Heâs released many highly rated DVDs including; âTelling Jokes,â âIn Concert,â and more. Letâs get on with a big list of Jimmy Carr jokes.
- I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently theyâre not a proper present. âHappy birthday, mum!â.
- Why are they called Sunshine Variety coaches, all the kids on them look the fucking same?
- I know what youâre thinking âoh my god, a Down syndrome Roger Federerâ. (reference to himself).
- My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said âAlright, fattyâ.
- You know some of the kind of stuff you read about on the internet about sex, youâll see myths, stuff that just isnât true. The best lubricant for anal sex is not tears, noâŚ.itâs blood.
- British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!
- My father always used to say, âWhat doesnât kill you makes you strongerâ, until the accident.
- I worry about my nan. If sheâs alone and falls, does she make a noise? Iâm joking, sheâs dead.
- The first guy who persuaded a blind person they needed sunglasses, he must have been a hell of a salesman.
- A big girl came up to me after a show once and said âI think youâre fatist.â I said âNo, no. I think youâre fattest!â
- In Pizza Express you can get garlic bread with cheese and tomato. Now correct me if Iâm wrong, but thatâs a pizza.
- Iâm not saying Michael Jackson is guilty. But if I was a billionaire paedophile, Iâd buy a funfair for my back garden.
- I hate those emails where they try to sell you penis enhancers. I got 10 the other day. Eight of them from my girlfriend. Itâs the two from my mum that really hurt.
If weâre all Godâs children, whatâs so special about Jesus?
- See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil. Rohypnol.
- What is it about being blind, that makes you walk the dog all the time.
- My girlfriend recently had a phantom pregnancy. And now we have a little baby ghost.
- Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.
- Remember, A dog is for life, not just for Christmas. So be careful at the next office Christmas party.
- I once bought a book for my girlfriend called âWomen who love too muchâ; I think the title could be shortened, to just âSlutsâ.
- When someone close to you dies, move seats.
- I say no to gay marriage. Itâll end up leading to gay divorce, and thatâll be bitchy.
- Before I have sex with 2 women I want to experiment a little bit, you know, I want to dip my toe in the waterâŚand have sex with 1 girl.
- I told my girlfriend my ultimate sexual fantasy was to have 2 women at the same time. She agreed, but then she was livid when I told her she wasnât either of them.
- When Iâm with two women itâs difficult enough to get a word in edgeways, let alone my cock.
And donât forget about his controversial gag that caused outrage in some corners of the media. When he said, âSay what you like about these servicemen amputees from Iraq and Afghanistan, but weâre going to have a fucking good Paralympic team in 2012!â.
DVDs and a funny clip
There are lots of very highly rated DVDâs released of the different tours he has done. You can find some of the very cheaply at online retailers.
Clip of Jimmy in action:
For more on the funny man check out his official website, or just turn on the TV â heâs normally on Dave, or Challenge TV or Channel 4 or somewhere! Alternatively take a look at our page of 8 Out Of 10 Cats stats for more giggles.
See Jimmy Perform Live
You can check his current tour dates to see him perform live on-stage on the Ticketmaster website. Well worth going to see.
Know many more of his funny Jimmy Carr jokes that should be here? Add them to this collection in the comments section below.
I liked it when he was on that Irish panel show and really pissed people off with religion jokes, legend!
ballzack!