Tim Vine Quotes – One Liners By Record Breaking Comedian

Young Tim Vine
Tim Vine in 1996.
Famous for his quick fire one-line gags Mr Vine’s comedy is very cheesy, but the type that is hard not to laugh at.

In 2004 Tim went in to the Guinness World Record Book for the most jokes told in 1 hour. He managed 499 which is quite ridiculous. What is even more ridiculous is that it was broken by an Aussie 7 months later who managed 549! However, the Australian read his jokes off paper, whereas Tim performed his from memory.

If you like this comedian he has quite a few DVDs you can get, including Joke-amotive. And if you want to see him live don’t forget to keep an eye out for his latest tour dates.

Here are some of his best gags.

Funny One Line Jokes By Tim in Stand-up Comedy Performances

  • “I get a lot of presents from my next door neighbours, lovely Italian family called the Ratzi’s. The dads a bit annoying, Papa Ratzi.”
  • “So I was playing football on a plane. It was amazing, I was running up the wing.”
  • “What do you call a bundle of straw in a church? Christian Bale.”
  • “I tell you what often gets overlooked; garden fences.”
  • “I went to Sootees BBQ, and I had a sweep steak.”
  • “So I watched a football match in Japan. At the end they started doing martial arts. I said to the bloke next to me what’s going on; he said there’s 2 minutes of ninja-ry time.”
  • “I was reading a book about the history of glue and I couldn’t put it down.”
  • “Velcro, what a rip-off.”
  • “I got a job as a litter removal man, didn’t have any training. Just thought id pick it up as I go along.”
  • “Black beauty; he’s a dark horse.”
  • “I was mucking about in a lesson when a teacher told me to stand outside. It was a flying lesson.”
  • “Do you like photography; snap.”
  • I was working in to a health food shop. This bloke walked in he said evening primrose oil. I said Miss Divine to you.

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About Tim

Timothy Mark Vine is an English comedian best known for his role in Not Going Out on BBC. He was born on March 4th in 1967 in Cheam, Surrey, England. He attended Epsom College, a public school, alongside his brother, Jeremy Vine.

Tim has been featured in television, music, theatre, and has also contributed to books. His television appearances date back to the 1990’s with the show Whittle. Alongside his list of television appearances, he is a talented musician, incorporating music into his comedy acts. He was also in a band with his brother, called The Flared Generation. He has two theatre productions, Snow White And The Seven Dwarfs and Aladdin.

He is also very good in his work with Lee Mack on Not Going Out.

The funny-man broke the Guinness World Record for the most jokes told in one hour with 499. Each joke told had to get a positive response to be counted. He made this milestone in 2004 and held the record for seven months until an Australian comedian out-joked him by 50. Tim Vine supports Sutton United F.C., is an avid darts player and a fan of cricket.

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