Tim Vine one-liners – Funny jokes by a record-breaking comedian!

Tim Vine is a British comedian known for his one-liners, and they’re often very cheesy and firmly in the ‘dad jokes’ category! But even if you consider them bad jokes they’re the type that are hard not to laugh at!

Tim Vine quotes

A list of the best Tim Vine quotes from live stand-up routines for fans to giggle at again.

  • “I get a lot of presents from my next door neighbours, a lovely Italian family called the Ratzi’s. The dads a bit annoying, Papa Ratzi.”
  • “So I was playing football on a plane. It was amazing, I was running up the wing.”
  • “I’ve got a sponge front door. Hey, don’t knock it.”
  • “What do you call a bundle of straw in a church? Christian Bale.”
  • “I tell you what often gets overlooked; garden fences.”
  • “I went to Sootees BBQ, and I had a sweep steak.”
  • (wearing a cowboy hat in Punslinger) “This hat is not one of my direct relatives, he’s my stetson.”
  • “I took part in the sun tanning Olympics. I just got Bronze.”
  • “Christmas is a time for families. You know I was at home yesterday and suddenly my dad’s sister came into the house spinning around in circles. I thought oh my giddy aunt.”
  • “You know a lot of people have asked me how to prevent getting a terrible hangover at Christmas. Well there is a way and believe it or not this really works…. make sure everything you drink is non-alcoholic.”
  • “I’m so lazy I’ve got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.”
  • “So I watched a football match in Japan. At the end they started doing martial arts. I said to the bloke next to me what’s going on; he said there are 2 minutes of ninja-ry time.”
  • “I went to the doctor. I said to him ‘I’m frightened of lapels.’ He said, ‘You’ve got cholera.'”
  • “I was reading a book about the history of glue and I couldn’t put it down.”
  • “Velcro – what a rip-off.”
  • “I got a job as a litter removal man, didn’t have any training. Just thought id pick it up as I go along.”
  • “Black beauty; he’s a dark horse.”
  • “I was mucking about in a lesson when a teacher told me to stand outside. It was a flying lesson.”
  • “Do you like photography; snap.”
  • “When I left home my mum said, “Don’t forget to write.” I thought, “That’s unlikely, it’s a basic skill isn’t it.”
  • “I’ve decided to sell my Hoover. Well, it was just collecting dust.”
  • “I was working into a health food shop. This bloke walked in he said evening primrose oil. I said Miss Divine to you.”
  • “This bloke said to me, ‘do you know Marie Osmond is about to appear in the world’s worst film’? I said ‘Warner Brothers?’ he said, ‘I already have!'”
  • “I saw into this cowboys house, his clothes were all over the floor. It was messy james.”
  • “So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says ‘Audi!'”
  • “One-armed butlers. They can take it but they can’t dish it out.”
  • (wearing a football on his head) “I don’t know why but I keep getting my head kicked in.”
  • “My next-door neighbor worships exhaust pipes. He’s a Catholic converter.”
  • “Uncle Ben has died. No more Mr Rice Guy.”
  • “I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.”
  • “This bloke said to me ‘I’m going to dressup as a small island off the coast of Italy.’ I said, ‘Oh don’t be sicily.'”
  • “I’ve got a map of Italy tattooed on my chest. I’ve got really sore Naples.”
  • “So I went to the doctors and I said, ‘whenever I pass from one country to another I have to get drunk’, he said ‘you’re borderline alcoholic.'”
  • “I’ll tell you what makes my blood boil. Crematoriums.”
  • “Black Beauty – now there’s a dark horse.”
  • “I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.”
  • “So this farmer came up to me he says, ‘I’ve got 68 sheep can you round them up for me?’ I said, ‘sure, 70.'”
  • “What do you call a lady with big teeth that sleeps in the afternoon? Siesta Rantzen.”
  • (appearing on Taskmaster) “Come on Vine find the flipping hook!!”
A funny joke by Tim Vine that can be shared with others
Tim Vine one-liner quote

If you want Tim on your bookshelf to give you laughs on demand he has a highly-rated joke book. Click on the book cover to go to Amazon’s listing page.

Follow his latest Tweets

If you want to see Tim Vine’s latest giggles you can follow him on Twitter @RealTimVine. Here’s an example of one of his comical tweets.

Funny tweet
Funny tweet by Tim Vine

Watch him on YouTube

There are loads of funny clips on YouTube, including on his own channel. Here’s one from his personal channel:

Enjoy more of Tim’s work

If you like his comedy he quite a few DVDs you can buy, including Joke-amotive. And if you want to see him live don’t forget to keep an eye out for his latest tour dates!

As well as doing stand-up tours such as; Punslinger, Sunset Milk Idiot, Tim Timinee Tim Timinee Tim Tim to You, and So I Said to This Bloke, Tim has also contributed to books, featured in movies and tv shows, and performed on stage in the theatre (including at Blackpool Grand Theatre as Plastic Elvis!). His television appearances date back to the 1990s with the show Whittle. In recent years he played a character in Not Going Out, a BBC comedy series by Lee Mack. And he was also a guest contestant in series 6 of Taskmaster.

In 2004 Tim went into the Guinness World Record Book for the most jokes told in 1 hour. He managed 499 which is quite amazing! Unfortunately for Tim, it was broken by an Aussie 7 months later who managed 549! However, the Australian read his jokes off paper, whereas Tim performed his from memory.

If you think this list misses some good Tim Vine one-liners then you can add more jokes in the comment section below to make sure it’s the best list possible!

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