Jack Dee quotes from live stand-up tour performances!

Comedian Jack Dee is a veteran of British comedy. He’s been performing since the mid-1980s and has always been well-known for his sardonic, deadpan style of humour. Jack has had many sell-out tours and released several highly rated DVDs including; Live Again, Live At The London Palladium, and a box set of performances.

Photo of Jack Dee performing lice at The Apollo
Jack Dee doing stand-up

Here’s a collection of funny jokes for his fans told by Jack Dee during his past stand-up performances, be sure to read these in your head with his voice 😉

Jokes told by Jack Dee

  • “I read in my local newspaper, they had this advert, ‘Please look after your neighbours in the cold weather’, and shall I tell you something about that? I live next door to this 84-year-old woman, do you know, not once has she come round to see if I’m all right. Lazy cow hasn’t even taken her milk in for a fortnight!”
  • “I hate people who think it’s clever to take drugs…like custom officers. Aren’t they a bunch of b*****ds, all that finger up the a***hole, all day long. They put a uniform on, for a job like that, can you imagine doing that? ‘Just off to work now dear’. ‘Have a nice day at the orifice’.”
  • “I saw an ambulance, big sign on the back of the ambulance, on the back door. You know what it said, ‘this is an ambulance not a taxi’. I know, I can see don’t worry, I can tell. I know it’s not a taxi, you know how I know it’s not a taxi? Because last time I called a taxi it didn’t take three quarters of an hour to arrive!”
  • “On the back of the fire engine you know what it said? It said ‘smoke alarms save lives’. I thought yeah might save you the bother of getting out of bed to put the fires out you lazy bast**ds!”
  • “This is a fact I learned about Hereford. You know what’s based there? The SAS are based in Hereford. Along with like 17 and a half thousand other guys who claim to be in the SAS. Everyone you meet inherit ‘oh yes i’m in the SAS me'”.
  • “Relationships are so much easier from a distance you know. (pretends to look at smartphone and start texting) ‘Miss you too.’ Send. huhhh.”
  • “The rain forest has Sting. Now Siberia has Jack Dee. Someone had to draw the short straw. In this case it was the rain forest.”
  • “Many of you will have the same thing happen to you, you get a lot of business cards and flyers come through your letterbox the whole time. I had one the other day, which I kept. It said ‘local handyman, no job too small. And to me that’s like a challenge. So I rang him up and said ‘I’ve got your flyer, I was wondering if you could please come over because I’ve got a pencil that needs sharpening”.
  • “I love to be in Britain, when it’s hot weather. I love it when you get four or five days of hot weather, because then people in Kent run out of water, don’t they? Know what I like to do? I like to ring them up, and play the sound of running water down the phone!”
Joke by Jack Dee

Jack Dee one-liners

  • “Studies show 1 in 5 British teens are unable to peel an orange…It’s a good job they’ve all got knives then.”
  • “People who are pro smacking children say, ‘It’s the only language they understand.’ You could apply that to tourists!”
  • “They call it ‘surfing’ the net. It’s not surfing. It’s typing in your bedroom.”
  • “One of my friends went on a murder weekend…now he is doing life for it.”
  • “The film industry is like Anne Robinson…always on the look-out for a new face.”
  • “I hate people who think it’s clever to take drugs…like custom officers.”
  • “Try saying: ‘Whale Oil Beef Hooked’ without sounding like an Irish man swearing.”
  • “My local’s rough as anything. I went to the pub quiz the other night. First question was, “What the f**k are you looking at?”
  • “Koreans have recently brought out their own vegetarian version of an instant noodle snack. It’s called Not Poodle.”
  • “A sewage farm. In what way is it a farm? Is there a farm shop?”

Text messages

In some of Jack’s performances he’d read our text messages he said were sent to him by members of the audience during the show.

  • “‘Hi Jack my mate told me you’re loaded can you buy me a merc?’ Yes I probably could.”
  • “‘What is the most common owl in Britain? The tea towel.’ Thank You Lucy I got it.”
  • “A kid loses his mum in Tesco’s, the supervisor says, ‘whats she like?’ The kid says, ‘big dicks and vodka’.”
  • “‘Jack if you guess what row I’m sitting in you can shag me tonight, be lucky.’ Row Z? No I’m wrong oh bad luck me.”
  • “‘Jack we’re from Australia and we have never heard of you.’ Well just get back behind a bar will you.”

Clips from stand-up performances

Here are a couple of clips of Jack performing live. Starting with a performance from years ago when he was a lot younger.

Performing when he was young

And here’s Jack doing a routine on the popular BBC show, Live at the Apollo.

Performing on Live at the Apollo

Type his name into your favourite TV streaming services to see more of this comedian, or buy his old DVDs if you like to keep a permanent physical collection of classic British comedy.

Look out for his new tours on Ticketmaster if you wish to see him perform live! And if you enjoy reading take a look at his positively reviewed book, What is Your Problem?

If you’re a tweeter you can follow him on Twitter @TheRealJackDee to keep up with what he’s doing now and enjoy more funny Jack Dee quotes.

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