John Bishop Quotes – Funny Comedian Jokes!

Liverpool funnyman John Bishop has been a stand-up comedian for the past decade, and, back in 2001, reached the finals of all the major new act competitions. He has been described as ‘frankly hilarious’ and ‘a gloriously gifted storyteller.’ Comedian John BishopHis material is drawn from his life’s experiences, from fatherhood to cycling around the world, to playing semi-professional football, to being a nightclub doorman.

Bishop acted in E4’s teen drama Skins, has a regular weekend slot on Liverpool radio station Radio City, Bishop’s Sunday Service, and appears on Sky One’s A League of Their Own, the panel game show hosted by James Corden.

Here are some of John’s most popular jokes.

  • Edinburgh is the only place you can be sunburned and get trench foot on the same day.
  • “It must be cool having a dad who’s a comedian,” I overheard a friend say. “No,” came my son’s reply. “He’s a knob.”
  • On his teenage son: To be honest, I’m not sure the same kid comes home each night.
  • On Courtney Love: I was only in her company two hours, but I can’t blame that Kurt Cobain fella.
  • I have been privileged to get to know Kenny Dalglish and I would call him a friend – though his lawyer would call me a stalker (I don’t know why – just because I was in his garden!).
  • There are some muscles I don’t think I need my personal trainer to find as I won’t be using them at my age anyway
  • I’ve lived in Manchester since my 20s and I’ve only been in three fights –not a bad average.
  • On performing in front of comic legend Ken Dodd: It was like trying to make love to your wife in front of a porn star – ‘I’m doing my best here! I know you can probably do it better but don’t look at me like that!’.

He is playing the Edinburgh Festival throughout August and tours the UK and Ireland this autumn. He is doing humorous animations through the Apple iTunes store every day of the World Cup, and his Live DVD is out now.

Image used copyright owned Queens Hall/Flickr, used under creative commons.


  1. shirley succamore says:

    he is so good looking also funny

  2. Am I the only one who thinks hes the sexiest out of all those mentioned? Im not really into Stand-up Comedy,and from what I ve seen so far, its his timing and the way he comes out with his retorts that gets everyone going!

  3. What the hell would you know about proper comedic talent? He is one of the better comedians far better than the bitter nonsense rambling of Frankie Boyle, Jimmy Carr and Jack Dee! Utter nonsense!

  4. thelondonupstart says:

    John Bishop is about as funny as a burning orphange. Take that list of ‘gags’ there isn’t one that’s even midly amusing. John Bishop, like Michael McIntyre and James Corden are just part of a major rebrand of bland.

    If the man feel incompetent compared with Ken Dodd, just imagine how shriveled his balls would look next to a real comic talent like Frankie Boyle, Jimmy Carr or Jack Dee.

  5. Best stand up, also VERY SEXY

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