Lee Evans Quotes – Funny Jokes and Clips

Lee Evans laughs out loud
Lee Evans having a giggle.
Lee Evans is a popular English stand-up comedian who rose to fame in the 1990s and has remained popular ever since. He is famed for his loud, sweaty, humorous voices, physical observational comedy and highly energetic performances.

He has released quite a few highly rated DVDs well worth buying including ‘Live at the 02’, the ‘XL tour’, and ’94-05 Complete Comedy Collection’, he has also appeared in various movies.

Here Are Some Of Lee’s Top Gags

  • I like it when the waiter asks you if you want parmesan cheese on your dinner, yeah, give me essence of puke all over me tea!
  • Lee EvansI love restaurants, and that’s the thing now, they always boast about now, restaurants…homemade cooking…I don’t want homemade cooking, that’s why I’m here! ‘cos I don’t like the shit at home! Yeah…you know! And they don’t say whose home it is, do they! Could be a mental home, couldn’t it!
  • (talking about fizzy drinks) Who built that machine, to let that can, filled with gas, fall that far? You know, you put in that coin and it’s just like KABOOM
  • Peanuts! What happened to peanuts! Now every buggers allergic to peanuts! It’s true, you open a packet of peanuts now, and a bunch of five-year-olds in a five-mile radius slam to the floor, jabbing themselves with fucking adrenaline!
  • I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said “may contain nuts.” Well, fucking YES! That’s what I bought the buggers for! You’d be pissed off if you opened it and a socket set fell out!
  • I tried water polo and my horse drowned…that was a nightmare.
  • Have you noticed every time there is a murderer on the loose they have that advert pop up from B&Q – “this week, hatchets, half price!
  • The thing that my wife is into now, and it’s fucking doing my head in it really is…pebbles. Pebbles! She collects them. No I dont mean ordinary pebbles, fuck it, I mean, varnished ones, in a dish! Is ‘where did you go on a weekend love’ ‘Skimming!’
  • My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife’ll look at me and go, ‘Who’s that calling at this time?’ I don’t fucking know! If I knew that we wouldn’t need the bloody phone!
  • Parcelforce! Parcelforce, Parcelforce, Parcelforce, Paaaaarcelforce! We Will Get This Package To You! Fuck Off!
  • We got completely lost driving in, and we asked the way, yeah, why is it that when you ask for directions you always get the village-fucking-idiot!

They are some quality quotes! And to top it off here are a couple of cool videos of the man himself in action. The first is of a stand-up routine and the second one is when he announced his retirement.


Watch back at how hilarious this mans monster sell-out arena tours were.

Want to see him live?

In November 2014 Lee announced his he will soon be retired. So depending on when you read this it may have already happened. But it is worth double checking if you do wish to see Lee on-stage doing stand-up whether there are any available tickets.

How much do you love this guy? Add your comments along with what other people have put in the section below, get involved!

Image source: flickr/mikebarry.


  1. Funniest man alive

    Love him!!!!

  2. he is the best comidein ever! 🙂

  3. Chloe Coles says:

    he is so funny i liked the quote on how men always find the need to show off a little sport mood you don’t see a woman standing in the street and then suddenly go “hoovering, missed a bit, hoovering, missed a bit, hoovering, missed a bit and febreze…..

  4. lisa joey says:

    that was so funny i love lee evans he is jokes !! 😀

  5. James Poole says:

    hes 1 damn genius, the stuff he comes up with, im seeing him in october in newcastle metro arena and its the first time i would have seen him live, me and my dad are going its the best prezzy im getting cant wait, i heard his jokes so many times over and they never fail to make me laugh 😀 <3

  6. Katie Davies says:

    He is pure class…I`m actually going in November to see him live at the liverpool echo arena REALLY LOOKING FORWARD TO IT 😀 😀 😀

  7. lolchicken says:

    he is da best and i like chicken

  8. Lee Evans is an actual legend. I love this one: “she collects pebbles,candles, and cushions. Not ordinary ones nooo, small cushions…. So small you can wipe your f******g a**e on ’em! “

  9. He is absoulutly the BEST comedian ever!!! <3 Him!

  10. the king has arivved he is the king of all jokes

  11. he is such legend!!!
    my hero 🙂

  12. I lovee the one where he goes
    OH CHLAMYDIA !!!! CHLAMYDIA your teas ready
    there is a diease old rumo in the garden going ‘okay i’m on my way’

  13. this guys jokes crack me up wow he is so flippin funny

  14. he is the finnist man on the planet

  15. ‘strange that, they’re always in the last place you look’ ‘well yesssss, i wouldn’t look, find them, and keep fucking loooking!’

    hahahaaa i love lee evans! hes quality!

  16. funnyest man in the world he’s my role model.

  17. greggy boi says:

    what a ;egen he is the funniest person ever you cant beet him

  18. this guy never fails to crack me up, pmsl. COMEDY GENIOUS!!

  19. LOL. love this guy.
    can relate to all the stuff he says.

  20. Joshiieeboi says:

    like smart smart not smart,smart,smart,smart……. love can we like off off but not off off but fuck off

  21. i so flaming love him! He is AMAZING ! he makes me piss tbh! his laugh is hilarious! he is the ABSOLUTE best 😀 FOREVER (YY’)

  22. Katie Kaur x says:

    he makes me laugh,
    sooo funny!!!
    Too much swearing but who cares
    Age 11

  23. This Man Is The Funniest! You Have To Love Him!
    & hALF tHE jOKES hE Tells Are True hehe!
    Love Him!!

  24. his laugh cracks me up 🙂
    i really need to see this guy live, he is AMAZING.
    ‘i’m like love can off, off? not off, off but fuck off.’

    lee evans maaaaaaan, its love (L)

    1. I LOVE this guy too, I really want to meet him one day and see him live.. When I’m watching him I have tears coming down my face, he is THAT funny lol :p

  25. i love this guy !

    he makes me laugh so much!

    god cant wait to go watch him ! think i might piss myself!

  26. “do i look like ive got a melon….that is stuck half way up my arse”

    love this dude….

  27. absolutely bloody funny almost wet my pants

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