Michael McIntyre is a popular UK stand-up comedian. He has some great jokes, funny stories, silly floppy hair and can do a scarily good high pitch voice!

Michael McIntyreHe has a couple of classic highly-rated stand-up DVDs including Live & Laughing 2008 and Hello Wembley 2009, well worth buying for the collection. Here are some funny jokes By Michael McIntyre during stand-up gigs:

  • Normally you have news, weather and travel…..but not on snow day, on snow day news is weather is travel. Talking about the heavy snow in Britain.
  • They had to ask Spain I think, they’ve had to say to Spain, can you lend us some stuff for the roads, and it’s Gordon Brown phoning up going ‘pass the salt’ (says in a deep voice)
  • So you’re mother? Nice to put a name to a face. Talking about when a baby girl is born
  • I’m glad Carol Vorderman has left Countdown, I mean it’s not like she did much. She was effectively just an autistic shelf-stacker.
  • You have to come up with this shit every year. Last week I just wrote ‘I still love you, see last years card for full details’ Talking about Valentines Day
  • My wife and I both made a list of 5 people we could sleep with…she read hers out and there were no surprises…1 George Clooney…2 Brad Pitt etc…I thought ‘Ive got the better deal here’…1 Your sister
  • I’ve got a little baby, I made him…He doesn’t speak, he’s 2…He’s a slow learner, he’s only got 2 words…car and map…I’m slightly worried he’s trying to escape. If his next word is passport we are in serious trouble!
  • All we really require is 1 drawer, that is all men want, 1 drawer, this is not a drawer we will pick out early. A drawer will become available, we will tentatively enquire as to its usage, “darling this drawer here, can I have this drawer for me?”..Yes I think you can…good this will be my man drawer!!

He’s a very funny guy so let’s hope there is lots more quality new material from him over the coming years. Want to see more? If you want to watch his full stand up routines worth seeing him live or buying one of his popular DVDs, including Live & Laughing 2008 or Hello Wembley 2009 available from all good retailers and some rubbish ones of course.

How To Watch Michael Live

You can see his current available tour dates on the Ticketmaster website. Well worth watching live. However, be aware they can sell very fast so it is best to subscribe to updates so you don’t miss out on the opportunities to see him in the flesh.

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31 thoughts on “Funny Michael McIntyre Jokes”

  1. i love the last joke and the first joke they made me litrally ROFL 🙂 your so funny , but on brits got talent your EVEN better haaha

  2. Keir
    Actually his jokes are funny and I don’t pay attention to the audience laughing I listen to him and I laugh when he says something funny not when the audience laugh and I’m sure a lot of other people are the same. Plus the audience wouldn’t be laughing unless he made them

    Michael McIntyre love you !!!!! xx

  3. I love Michael he is soo funny, he has me in stiches everytime i see him. His face says it all lol. I really want to go and see him on his 2012 tour!!! Love you Michael!!!! =] xx

  4. He is my favourite comedian, cos not only is he hilarious he is sososo camp and posh which i find very sexy ;D

  5. i absolutely love michael mcintyre

    his jokes are not offensive or rude so he is sutiable for all the family…

    My fave comedian by far !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    love you Michael!!!!!!!!!1

  6. hes not funny and he doesnt hav scrip writers if he does tehre really bad ones cos they would just tell him to go on stage wave his hair about scip and shout. next time u watch him insted of just laffing cos everyone else is think about the joke its not really funny is it?

  7. I don’t think he dose have script writers, otherwise he wouldn’t be a stand-up comedian (The ones who think of jokes on the spot)

  8. Michale is so funny! I went to see a few of his shows! They were all very funny! I have got his Autograph, it is in my Autograph book on which i hold many other Autographs such as mcfly, Taylor Lautner and Jhonny Depp! I do so hope to see his him if a new show is due!
    P.S – The name shown above is my Genuine name!

  9. Micheal Mcintyre you funny funny Man. His Quotes and Jokes just stick in my head aha Goin to see him at Book signing this Month carn’t wait 🙂 !!!

  10. lol i went to see him earlier tonight on the first of his Newcastle gigs and he was awesome! every one of his jokes were funny. i was laughing so hard. there were t-shirts for sale with his quotes on them. they were: i am utterly car-parked; i’m absolutely gazeboed; skipping is magnificent; i have a man-drawer; and laugh snort snot sneeze. lolz

  11. I was standing behind a man in Starbucks the other day, he was ordering ‘a tall, skinny black Americano’ I said “what are you ordering, coffee or a President?” – from his Off the Kerb ‘seagull gig’ at Bristol Hippdrome

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