Alan Carr Quotes – Funny Comedian Jokes

Described as ‘the spiritual son of Frankie Howerd’, Alan Carr was first discovered in 2001 when he won the BBC New Comedy Award for stand-up. The following year, his Edinburgh Festival show was the Telegraph’s Critic’s Choice, and he hasn’t stopped working since.

He has barely been off Channel 4, with a three-year run of The Sunday Night Project, co-hosted with Justin Collins, ending last year. His quiz show, Alan Carr’s Celebrity Ding Dong, first aired on the channel in 2008, while further series of Alan Carr: Chatty Man, was first screened last summer, and a further three series have been commissioned.

Here are some of this comics best lines:

• I got spotted in Greggs the bakers. The girl went: ‘We never get anyone off the telly in here.’ Which was a lie. Half of f*****g Fat Club were by the pasties.
• I got on the property ladder this year. It’s murder getting that deposit together. You start having dark thoughts, looking at your mum and dad thinking, ‘If only they had an accident…’.
• I drink too much. Have you ever done that where you wake up and there’s someone in your bed and they’re a munter. Pulling back that sheet, it’s like Silent Witness ain’t it.
• I had to have a brace because I had big teeth. If I’d gone to Africa I would have got poached.
• What am I supposed to do if I go bald? Get a wig? Fat, goofy, gay, wig. I might as well get a piano and start an Elton John tribute act!
• On house-hunting: They said it was split-level and open-plan, but then again so is an NCP car park.
• On silly children’s names – ‘The other day I was served by a girl in Boots called Mmmm… Danone’.

You can catch Alan live at the Apollo, without leaving home, by clicking here:

You can listen to Alan with Melanie Sykes every Saturday between 6 and 8pm on Radio 2’s Going Out with Alan Carr, while Alan Carr: Chatty Man is back on our screens on Channel 4 this summer. Chart-topping DVDs including Tooth Fairy, Now That’s What I Call a Ding Dong and Channel 4’s comedy gala, for Great Ormond Street, are all out now.

Image from Wikipedia, available under the GNU Free Documentation License.