Frankie Boyle Jokes – A collection of quotes by the controversial Scottish comedian

Well-known for his dark humour, Frankie Boyle is a favourite amongst many members of the comedy-loving public, while being hated by others who find plenty of his jokes offensive and insulting!

It seems like nothing is off-limits for this comedian and he’s happy to cover all sections of society. Take him as he is, he’ll never change his comedic style of routine or nature of his gags.

Famous Quotes

• “I watched the footage of Saddam being executed, and it really made me think…is there nothing on the internet that I won’t masturbate to?”
• “Let me ask you a question. How long is too long to text somebody back? My wife still thinks I died in 9/11.”
• “People are saying after Brexit, British people don’t trust experts any more. I don’t think that’s the problem. I think the problem is that British people have strong opinions based on nothing at all.”
• “Las Vegas and Glasgow have a lot in common. They’re the only two places in the world where you can pay for sex with chips.”
• “Someone told me I look like one of the Proclaimers. One of them?! They’re twins you daft bastard!”
• “Sex education at my school was a muttered warning about the janitor.”
• (about the Queen) “I have had a few medical issues this year, I’m now so old that my pussy is haunted.”
• “I would have loved to have had a gay dad. At school, there were always kids saying ‘my dad is bigger than your dad, my dad will batter your dad!’ So what? My dad will shag your dad…and your dad will enjoy it.”
• “The only time I want to see Geri Halliwell draped in the Union Jack is if she is a casualty of war.”
• “People say that Steve Jobs died too soon, but I think it was a fitting metaphor for his companies attitude to battery life.”
• “If Harry Potter’s so magical, why can’t he cure his own eyesight and get laid?”
• “I’m sick to fucking death of skinheads queue jumping at Disneyland!”
• (about Rebecca Adlington) “She looks like someone who’s looking at themselves in the back of a spoon.”
• “I lost my virginity to my mum’s best friend. It was my dad. It was the only time he told me he loved me!”
• (to Noel Fielding on Never Mind The Buzzcocks) “Are you sure you didn’t get hit for looking like a bisexual Dr Who?”
• “I hate racism, I could never be racist. I haven’t finished hating all the white people yet.”
• “Don’t you think its quite weird for Prince Harry, getting really stoned and seeing your grans face appearing on your money.
• “Does anyone find it ironic how a program aimed at old people is called ‘Countdown’?”
• (on New World Order) “The difference between a Lib Dem meeting and a wife-swapping party is that a wife-swapping party generally involves at least 4 people.”
• “Venus Williams has brought something different to the women’s game – male genitalia.”
• “Now, the magic of British parks at night, as Bill Oddie presents…’Gaywatch’.”
• (about Reeva Steenkamp) “The tragedy is that if Oscar Pistorius had no arms, this would never have happened.”
• “Glasgow, a place where people think Hepatitis B is a vitamin.
• “You say Snapchat, I say speedwank.”
• (about the Scottish referendum) “David Beckham sent the people of Scotland an open letter. An open letter because he couldn’t get it into the envelope.”
• “When I was about 8 or 9, I was a massive Michael Jackson fan, I wish I had known at the time that I was his type.”
• (to an audience member during a stand-up performance) “How you doing little fella? You’ve made a fucking effort. Looks like someone shaved a monkey and kicked it through Topman.”
• (during 2018 UK political turmoil) “I think the man of the year is Dominic Raab, a guy who resigned because he couldn’t agree to a deal that he himself had negotiated.”
• “Comedians are artists and should have full freedom to perform without censorship.”

This page wouldn’t be a complete list without at least one meme from the wee fella, so here you go!

See Him Live

It’s one thing to read things this man has said previously, or to watch him on TV, it’s a whole other thing to witness new material live. To see if Frankie Boyle is on a 2019 tour and what gig tickets are available if he is, you can try here. His live performances have been popular, way back in 2007 he sold out his Edinburgh Fringe show, titled “Morons I Can Heal You”, shifting 13,000 tickets in the process.

Buy His Goodies

The Scotsman has released plenty of DVD’s (they can still be kept as lifelong comedy mementoes!), as well as books. You can find them for sale at lots of places, but here’s some stuff on Amazon.

Funny Video To Watch

There are loads of clips on YouTube that will make you laugh. Here’s one of our favourite YouTube clips from the official BBC channel. It’s from his show called, “New World Order“.

Frankie On Twitter

What will Frankie say in the future? He’s very popular on Twitter with millions of followers and you can also follow his personal tweets @frankieboyle where you’ll not only see some of his funny tweets but also learn about new work he does. Here are some of his past tweets.

See Him Telling Jokes On TV

Over the year’s Frankie has been on many different TV programs. Depending on which provider you use for your TV viewing you may be able to watch back his appearances. The TV shows he’s been in include; Mock The Week, Tramadol Nights, New World Order, Never Mind The Buzzcocks, 8 Out of 10 Cats, and Have I Got News For You.

Contribute! If you have something to say about this comedian then you are welcome to leave a comment below! Which one do you think is his best joke ever? And if you like this page please share it with a friend.