Russell Howard Quotes – Young Comedians Funniest Jokes

Funny quote by RussellThis young funny man first made his mark on the comedy world when he reached the final of a prestigious new Channel 4 stand-up event at the Edinburgh Festival aged just 19. Since then, a freewheeling, apparently effortless style, love of improvisation and an ability to go off on a tangent have helped his meteoric rise to the premier league of humour.

Comedian Russell Howard
Comedian Russell Howard. He’s a good looking chap!
A panellist on Mock The Week, he hosts his own BBC Three show ‘Russell Howard’s Good News’ while also appearing as a regular guest on Would I Lie to You and Never Mind the Buzzcocks.

Russells Best Quotes

  • When you’re three, you’re into custard, and jumping.
  • Look at Anne Robinson. She looks like a fox in a wind tunnel, not a good look.
  • So my mum bought a jacuzzi, and I was in there along with my father and my sister, when my mother decided it would be the ideal moment to say “Guess what everyone in this jacuzzi has in common? You’ve all sucked on my tits.”
  • Have people always been this angry? I’ve got a funny idea that before the internet people were just writing fuck you and attaching it to pigeons.
  • It’s about time that bumblebees had slippers.
  • Are you like me and think that it’s about time bunnies had helicopters?
  • I read in a magazine, 59 ways to please a lady. Rolo yogurt. And rather than telling her what I had planned. I pretty much waited like some hideous yogurt goblin.
  • Some people in England only have their wheelie bins collected once a fortnight. Their suffering is unimaginable.
  • If I were to die of anything sex-related or I had taken Viagra, you just know there’d be headlines of Russell How-hard in the newspapers.
  • Do you know how we look for terrorists now in airports. Based on gender, ethnicity, and behaviour. They may as well come out and say are they shifty are they beige.
  • I would love the ability to give someone an orgasm just by touching them.
  • The last time I saw African kids this excited, Madonna was at their school with a net.
  • I am the munter of my friends. I’ve got wonky teeth and a lazy eye. My friend Rob is disgusted that I’m a heart-throb.

And last but not least one of the funniest:

She’s 80 my nan, what do you want for your birthday? “Shredder! Get me a shredder!”. What do you want a shredder for nan? “Identity theft!”.

DVDs Released

He has released a few DVDs which are all out now. Here is a selection of them.

Want To See Him Live?

If you do you can see his current available tour dates via the TicketMaster website. Seeing one of his energetic performances will be far better in person than on TV! This top funny man appears at arenas across the UK from February 2014 with his new tour which is called Wonderbox.

Hope you enjoyed that list! Share your comments in the section below with other fans. And don’t forget to spread the word to your Facebook friends as well.


  1. Russell fan says:

    I love u Russell I am your fan number 1 I think but I still like u u r funny nice but rude at the same time qhhahhahh

  2. Wow, I just might have to check this guy out! This is some funny stuff!

  3. I love russell howard but im only 11

  4. finlay carr says:

    i love russell howard and i watch his live show the other day and he was great xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  5. I-Love-Russxxx says:

    I LOVE RUSSELL!!!!!!!
    He is so sexy and his lazy eye and wonky teeth are soo adorable! ;D

  6. jasmine luvs russel howard says:

    im his biggest fan got every single dvd and loads of posters in my room

  7. Is massively in love with Russell Howard! Deffinately my guilty pleasure 😉 nothin more sexy than a guy who can make u giggle! And he is gorgeous to boot xxxx

  8. iLoVeRuSsElLx says:

    Lol. I’m 13 and I’m going to see him on the 14th as well xD <3

  9. i love russell howard, i went to see his right here right now tourin feburary and hopefully getting it on dvd!

  10. CameronKW says:

    OMG i cannot wait till the 14th im going to go watch him at the LG arena for right here right now wooo he is soo funny and you can see gigs if your with an adult coz im only 12 aswell

  11. He is soooooooooo fit! Hopefully getting ‘Right Here Right Now’ for my b-day, I’m so excited!

  12. Faith Carlisle says:

    haha he is hilarious. my favourite comedian. Can’t wait to go to london to see him in december 🙂 he is ubelievably fit!

  13. i love russell howard hes amazing!!! i love him! i must have watched the one b4 the royal wedding around fifty times! xx

  14. Mrs Howard says:

    Russell Howard Joke
    Do you know what I’d love to do?
    Buy a horse and call him I’m Having A Nervous Break Down.
    In fact I’d buy all the horses in the race, give them all weird names and make the it sound like the commentator was going mad.
    Wouldn’t that be great?
    They’re coming up to the final furlong, I’m Having A Nervous Break Down ahead of My Wife Left Me Over Pictures On My Laptop, not to mention Theres A Burst Pipe In My Sex Dungeon. Small Fry Considering Last Summer I Bummed A Squirrel towards the rear. Where’s The Rash Come From followed by Strangle Wank, and I Should Be In Therapy cos The Race Hasn’t Even Started.

  15. omg if i could had to pick which cerleb would be my mentour it would be russle he is so F****N FUNNY!

  16. I love Russell !! i cannot wait till he comes to aldershot 😀 x

  17. iLoVeRuSsElLx says:

    OMG Season 4 is amazing – i cant believe on the first episode of your new series you alredy broke something 😛

  18. my friend is frazer.i love you russel your biggest fan.everyon above is a wanna be .You are my role model.

  19. Russell howard’s good news is as good family guy. me and my Friend allways wach it.

  20. I love Russell, he’s so hilarious :’)
    Me and my friends have made a new Russell Howard Forum. ‘Made by the fans, for the fans!’
    We discuss everything to do with Russell; His Good News, Mock The Week and his tours!
    Free to join! Come join in the laughter 🙂

  21. Shannon M.D. says:

    omg i love this blok…i went to see him tonight on his new tour Righht Here Right Now and it was quality. i love him and his lazy eye and may i add…his smile is cute!!!<3

  22. My god u r soo funny and hot as well! every time I watch u on telly I almost piss myself LOL! :);)

  23. i geuss you made a hippo jizz then???

  24. if i dnt gt 2 c him live this year will deffo get his dvd 14th nov 2011!
    love u russell howard! <3<3

  25. brendan watkis says:

    :):):):):):):):):):) ur the best russell

  26. brendan watkis says:

    i am seeing 24th of this month can’t wait :v……..

  27. mrshoward4lifendbeyond says:

    I LOVE U

  28. OMG I LOVE RUSSELL HOWARD he is the best i always watch him even the repeats he is amazing i just cant get enough of him !!! <3 i love you Russell Howard 🙂

  29. aaahhhh russel howard rocks i wish i could go to his gigs im only 12 🙁
    but russel howard-SO FUNNY

  30. Chantelle says:

    I love Russ so much it’s not possible. He’s so hot I could die! I might be going to see him in March but since I’m only 13 I have to go with my mum…!! Bummer… ;P
    PS: To all the people that THINK their too young to see him, your not, as long as your with an adult you can!!

  31. Aww I love Russell, he’s amazingly funny. Who cares about his eyes or his teeth, I think he’s brilliant and absolutely gorgeous! 🙂

  32. Russell-Howard-Is-A-Pro! says:

    I love Russell Howard SO much! xD Gotta love his voices and *actions* <3
    I wish i could go watch him on tour, but im too young. :'(
    Russell Howard – Fittest guy on earth xx

  33. poopy faced tomato nose says:

    hes really funny though

  34. Russell Howoard, OMG what a funny guy and a legend xx 🙂
    u got love him !!!!!


  36. ILove Russ says:

    I am totally in love with Russell Howard. there’s just something about Russell

  37. sophielovesruss says:

    oh my god. I love russell howard so much its untrue. I’m so sad that i watch good news, record it and watch it over and over. he is hilarious. best comedian ever. hes sexy too… god i would! ooft. 😛

  38. i think you are very funny and you are very cute, you probely hear this all the time, but my god,….ah y wud u care about me? im just a nobody.

  39. hes my comedy hero and i would love to go on the piss with him

  40. hes so funny he nearly maid me piss my self

  41. anyone know the quote for when he spoke about panic buyin lol x

  42. RussellHowardsMineBackOffBiatches says:

    i love him more than any of yousssssss 😀

  43. iloverusselhoward says:

    he is soo sexy wd love 2 c im

  44. he is da funniest nd cutest comidian ever wish i could go see him. i hope its soon when i get ma drivers license!lol……hes sooooooooooooo funny hehehehe

  45. I second all the above comments. Russell Howard is GORGEOUS!! How can he be on Heat’s weird crush list? I’d love to see him, he’s ridiculously funny too <3 <3 <3

  46. I love Russell Howard he’s sooo funny and cute too i really wanna see him live in sheffield on my birthday next Feb xx

  47. waheyyy you cant go see russell howard in february, how’d ya like dem apples boiii!!

  48. i love russel howard he is so funny i think he’s so cute and is like my favourite comedian i really want to see his shows. i am like in love with his wit. i love you russel howard!!!!!!!

  49. lauren led! says:

    MY NAME IS LAUREN AND I LOVE RUSSELL HOWARD- and edwared cullen, yum <3<3<3

    1. MrsEdwardcullen says:

      I Agree Wiv U Edward Cullen And Russell Howard Mmm Yummy

  50. jaymmaa pepper says:

    Ahhh love Russell Howard cant wit to go see his tour live in manchester in february 😀 hes my favourite comedian and he’s just brilliantly funny. His lazy eye makes him unique and its soo cute bless him. cant wait to buy series one of good news on dvd and when the new series comes out end of the year. Russell Joseph Howard we love you! xxxxxxxxx

  51. Iam in love with russell
    Hes so fit and so funny cant wait for march xxxxxxxxx <3

  52. im in love with russell howard,
    hes my idol srsly.
    how old do you have to be to go to his show live?<3<3<3

  53. Russell Howoard is the best comedian ive ever seen and he’s most definetly the hottest!!! <3 him!!! Its not good that im only 14 and cant go to his gig in Glasgow :(:(:(

  54. Omg im absofrknloutly in love with russell howard. he has to be the best comidian ever.
    His wonky eye and dooflicated teeth just make him too cute.
    cant wait till russell howards good news starts again.
    cant wait to see him in march
    Russell scotland loves yhoo!!!

    1. Your a great comedian russell!

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