One-Liner Jokes By Jimmy Carr!

Jimmy Carr has a dark sense of humour, often controversial. Some people hate him, many love him!

Although a good presenter of Cats Does Countdown, arguably his biggest strength is in stand-up. He’s released many highly rated DVDs including; “Telling Jokes,” “In Concert,” and more. Let’s get on with a big list of Jimmy Carr jokes.

• I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they’re not a proper present. “Happy birthday, mum!”.
• Why are they called Sunshine Variety coaches, all the kids on them look the fucking same?
• I know what you’re thinking “oh my god, a Down syndrome Roger Federer”. (reference to himself).
• My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said “Alright, fatty”.
• You know some of the kind of stuff you read about on the internet about sex, you’ll see myths, stuff that just isn’t true. The best lubricant for anal sex is not tears, no….it’s blood.
• British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!
• My father always used to say, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”, until the accident.
• I worry about my nan. If she’s alone and falls, does she make a noise? I’m joking, she’s dead.
• The first guy who persuaded a blind person they needed sunglasses, he must have been a hell of a salesman.
• A big girl came up to me after a show once and said “I think you’re fatist.” I said “No, no. I think you’re fattest!”
• In Pizza Express you can get garlic bread with cheese and tomato. Now correct me if I’m wrong, but that’s a pizza.
• I’m not saying Michael Jackson is guilty. But if I was a billionaire paedophile, I’d buy a funfair for my back garden.
• I hate those emails where they try to sell you penis enhancers. I got 10 the other day. Eight of them from my girlfriend. It’s the two from my mum that really hurt.
• If we’re all God’s children, what’s so special about Jesus?
• See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil. Rohypnol.
• What is it about being blind, that makes you walk the dog all the time.
• My girlfriend recently had a phantom pregnancy. And now we have a little baby ghost.
• Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.
• Remember, A dog is for life, not just for Christmas. So be careful at the next office Christmas party.
• I once bought a book for my girlfriend called “Women who love too much”; I think the title could be shortened, to just “Sluts”.
• When someone close to you dies, move seats.
• I say no to gay marriage. It’ll end up leading to gay divorce, and that’ll be bitchy.
• Before I have sex with 2 women I want to experiment a little bit, you know, I want to dip my toe in the water…and have sex with 1 girl.
• I told my girlfriend my ultimate sexual fantasy was to have 2 women at the same time. She agreed, but then she was livid when I told her she wasn’t either of them.
• When I’m with two women it’s difficult enough to get a word in edgeways, let alone my cock.

And don’t forget about his controversial gag that caused outrage in some corners of the media. When he said, “Say what you like about these servicemen amputees from Iraq and Afghanistan, but we’re going to have a fucking good Paralympic team in 2012!”.

DVDs and a funny clip

There are lots of very highly rated DVD’s released of the different tours he has done. You can find some of the very cheaply at online retailers.

Clip of Jimmy in action:

For more on the funny man check out his official website, or just turn on the TV – he’s normally on Dave, or Challenge TV or Channel 4 or somewhere! Alternatively take a look at our page of 8 Out Of 10 Cats stats for more giggles.

See Jimmy Perform Live

You can check his current tour dates to see him perform live on-stage on the Ticketmaster website. Well worth going to see.

Know many more of his funny Jimmy Carr jokes that should be here? Add them to this collection in the comments section below.