Dirty Limericks – Adult Themed Limericks
We’ve posted some funny limericks before. They were not ideal for kids, but at the same time, they were not overly strong. So here we are back for more and even more brutal. Now here are is a collection of dirty limericks for the filthy minded only! They’ve all been sent to us from the beginning of a book titled “Dirty Limericks” by Anonymous, I’m sure you can work out what the book contains.
Let’s jump in and share the funnies. You can see a load more in the comments which you guys have hilariously posted, some are absolutely brilliant!
These are adult themed so if you are easily offended, leave now!
There was a young man from Kildare,
Who was having his girl on the stair,
On the forty-fourth stroke,
The banister broke,
And he finished her off in mid-air!
There was a young girl of Cape Cod,
Who thought babies were fashioned by God,
But it was not the Almighty,
Who lifted her nightie,
It was Roger the lodger, that sod!
There was a young man of Cape Horn,
Who wished he had never been born,
And he wouldn’t have been,
If his father had seen,
That the end of the rubber was torn.
There was a young chap from out yonder,
Who buggered a big anaconda,
He regretted this crime,
For the rest of his time,
While the reptile grew fonder and fonder.
Add Your Own and Read Others
Scroll down now to the comments section where lots of other people have contributed their own fantastic poetic additions. Created a limerick yourself? Please submit it. Thanks everyone for the amazing contributions so far, too many to name.
Books of Limericks
If you love funny limericks check out these brilliant books, it would maybe make a nice novelty present for someone who has this sense of humour, or just for yourself of course to feed your mind with the beautiful English language being used at it’s finest.
As always, you’re welcome to add your own below in the fantastic comment area, just scroll that little mouse of yours and you will reach your destination. Please remember what the requirements are. A limerick is a humorous poem consisting of five lines. It if doesn’t meet those simple guidelines it’s not welcome!
RJS says:
John Henry said, “Let me be blunt
What do I call your out front
I would never intend
My love to offend
Is it vagina or pussy or cunt?”
It seems that a man out of Leadville
Had sex with the corpse of his wife, Jill
He thought if he’d drive her
It might help to revive her
But alas, his poor Jill is quite dead ….still.
A man looking for sex in Lamar
Didn’t really have to go far
His neighbor caressed him
As she undressed him
And taught him to play the guitar
These are original with me.
rjs says:
Original rhymes
There was a young maiden from Dover
Who spent time on her back in the clover.
She knew how to vary
From old missionary
So her lover told her to turn over.
A randy old man from Dakota
Did a hot MILF Minnesota
Then was Alaska
Kansas, Nebraska
All apart of his weekly sex quota
An aging male dancer from Salz
Had hemorrhoids that Hung past his balls
When he’d prance and swirl
They’d spin around and hurl
Excreta and pus on the walls
The hippy named Harry o Doul
Broke wind in a mineral pool
He lit up a joint and the gas at that point
Ignited and parboiled his tool.
There once was a man from Amelia
Who accused of pedophilia
But he denied all the rapes
Until the cops found the tapes
And the pictures of boys genitalia
There once was a man named Lolo
Whose particular passion was polo
When asked by a lady
To find a place shady
He said ‘I’d rather go solo’
This fellow he knew a neat trick
Using a polo stick as a dick
He’d take to the field
With his butt tightly sealed
And the sawed-off end very slick
Then he would ride ev’ry mile
With a pathetic, delilirious smile
For nothing could measure
The feeling of pleasure
He got from ramming his pile
So if by chance you should see
This fellow I think you’ll agree
You’ve been very near
To a self-fucking queer
Who happens to think he’s a she
Here’s my favorite:
The was once a man from Nantucket
Who had a dick so large he could suck it
He said with a grin
As he wiped his chin
If my ear was a cunt I’d fuck it
There was a young man called O’Malley
Who liked to watch porn on the telly
He sat on the remote
Which twisted his scrote
Now his bollocks both quiver like jelly
There once was a man called Crockett
Who tried to take off in a rocket
The rocket went bang
His balls went twang
And they found his dick in his pocket
There was an old man from Havana
Who’d do anything for a tanner
His favourite trick
Was to stand on his dick
And tighten his balls with a spanner
There was an old man from Gwent
Whose dick was all twisted and bent
He once shot his load
Which made him implode
And instead of coming, he went
The Woman From Soho
There once was a woman from West Soho
Who walked with a wiggle on her tip toes
During the day all the guys turned the other way
But at night they brought her their pay
The woman from West Soho made lots of dough
Hickory Dickory Dock
The whore sucked on my cock
I shot a round, she choked it down
Much better than a sock
There once was a young woman from Kent.
Who went to sleep in a tent
She screemed that’s a big pole
will it go in my hole
But After the event it went bent
Er .. I’ve insanely written a filthy limerick for every town in the UK (Great Britain and Northern Ireland) that didn’t already have one! You can find the results on Amazon, The Great British Limerick Book which has the resulting 900+ limericks in it.
A couple of them here
.
My one for the town of Guildford in Surrey:
At McDonald’s in Guildford in Surrey
I spilt coffee on my crotch in a scurry
I had to act quick
To cool down my dick
So I stuck it into my McFlurry
or my one for the town of Luton (the cleanest one I’ve written!)
I once went to a bed-shop in Luton
With nothing but my birthday suit on
I always get undressed
Before having a rest
And I wanted to try out a futon
or my one for the town of Kettering:
There was a young man from Kettering
With a tattoo that would take some bettering
He had The Birth of Venus
Reproduced on his penis
With the title in copperplate lettering
more at http://www.gb-limericks.com and http://www.scottishlimericks.com
To young men I would like to say something
If women are not really your thing
Please don’t try to change
you may have much more range
As a top or a bottom or a something
There once was a fellow from Boston
Whose only car was his Austin
He had room for his ass
And a gallon of gas
But his balls hung out and he lost’em
There once was a man named Billy
Whose bedmates included a filly
He felt no remorse
For bangin’ a horse
Til’ he found out her name was Willy
There once was a man named Sam
Who had a little lamb
He kept it to screw it
But then came to rue it
For it wasn’t a ewe, but a ram
I once met a maiden from Stonebrook Hollow.
She didn’t talk much but boy did she swallow.
I have a nice lance that she sat upon.
The maiden from Stonebrook, who’s also your mom.
There once was a girl from Baleise
Who’s pussy hair hung to her knees
The crabs on her twat
Tied her hairs in a knot
And constructed a flying trapeze.
I know a young man from Cancoon
Who’s fart’s could be heard from the moon
When he’d least expect them
They’d burst from his rectum
With the sound of a double bassoon .
There once was a man from Frazini,
Who spilt some gin on his weenie,
Not being uncouth,
He added vermouth,
And slipped his date a martini.
Did You Hear about Young Johnny Locket,
Who got Blown down the Street by a rocket?
The Force of the blast
Blew his Balls up his ass
And his pecker was found in his Pocket.
from the depths of the crypt in st. giles, came a bloodcurdling scream heard for miles, said father Ignatius, My goodness gracious, I forgot the bishop had piles!
there was a young lady from France,
who found herself on a train by pure chance.
While the engineer fucked her,
She blew the conductor,
And the porter went off in his pants
There once was a lady named Alice
who uses a stick of dynamite as her palace
They found her vagina in south Carolina
And parts of her ass in Dallas.
There once was a jerkwad from Wales
Who always excreted in pails;
They collared the nut
And sealed his ass shut
With Bondo and ten-penny nails.
Hickory dickory dock,
The mouse ran up the clock,
The mouse ran down, his arse was brown
And so was the cuckoos cock.
There once was a girl she was willing
She once had this funny feeling
She laid on her back
She opened her crack
Then pissed all over the ceiling
There once was a girl from Hoboken
Who claimed her cherry was broken
While riding her bike on a cobblestone pike
But it was really broken from pokin
There was a diseased young stud
Who enjoyed pulling his pud
But whenever he yanked
His goo always stank
And gushed out along with some blood.
There once was a man from Cork
Who would only eat soup with a fork.
He said it’s not good for “binness”,
as he finished his Guinness,
since I actually invented the Spork.
There was a young lady from Neath,
Who circumcised men with her teeth,
It wasn’t for money,
Or trying to be funny,
But the cheese she found underneath!
oh sh**
great
There once was a girl named Sam,
who’s twat could swallow a can…
She hopped up on the table,
warmed up with a ladle,
and shoved in the Christmas ham.
Excellent
There was a President known as Barak,
who tied violin strings to his cock.
When he got an erection
he played a selection
from Johann Sebastian Bach.
WTF is wrong with you people?
there was a young lady from leeds who swallowed a packet of seeds in half and hour her vaginia was a flower and her arse was a bunch of weeds
mary had a little lamb, she kept him in the yard.
when she took her panties off, his wolly dick got hard!
mary had a little lamb, her father shot him dead.
now she takes him to school each day, between two pieces of bread.
a fly flew through a open door of a village grocer store
pissed on the cheese and shit on the ham
and wiped his arse on the grocer man
the fly flew around the window pane
and went to shit on the ham again
when he’d finished his dirty work
he flew across to the lady clerk
up her leg he took a stoll
and took a bath in the ladys hole
she cried out oh my you bastard fly
you cant stay there
she squeesed her legs and held her breath
and the poor little fly got squashed to death
there was an old women of leeds
who swallowed a packet of seeds
in less than an hour
her tits was a flower
and her fanny was covered in weeds
there was three witches from kent who found a dead man in his tent, the three naughty witches pulled down the mans britches and played with his dick till it bent
There was a young man from Swaffham,
Who took out his bollocks to Wash ’em,
And his wife said Jack,
if you dont put them back,
i’ll pull out a brick and squash ’em.
Hickory Dickory Dock
the mouse ran up the clock
The clock struck one
The other two escaped with minor injuries
There was a girl named Stacky,
She went out with a darkie.
The results of here sins,
were quads, not twins.
One black, one white and two khaki.
There was a girl, who begat,
three babies,Nat, Pat and Tat.
It was fun in breeding,
but hell in feeding.
There was no Tit for Tat.
Hickory dickory dock, the mouse ran up the clock, the clock STRUCK one, the other two escaped with minor injuries.
Mary had a little sheep, with the sheep she did sleep, the sheep turned out to be a Ram, Mary had a little lamb:)
Little miss muffet sat on her tuffet, eating her curds and whey, along came a spider and sat down besider and said “What’s in the bowl bitch? “Little boy blue”— he needed the money!
Old mother Hubbard went to the cupboard to get her poor dog a bone, but when she bent over, old rover took over and gave her a bone of his own.
Little miss muffet sat on her tuffet
eating her kurds and whey
along came a spider and sat down beside her
and said “YO Bitch! how much for a blow job?”
my limericks that i created:
There once was a Man named Obama.
Who ate a really nasty vagina
But the Whore that he ate, had syphillis on her taint,
And now he is the President of the United States
HOLY SHIT! 🙂 ha ha ha (my new limerick)
There once was a man named Osama;
Who could not hide from the bombs of Obama;
Till one day when seals came to play;
who then blew his but up to Mohammad.
Tweedle dee, tweedle dumb
They could not carry anymore rum
So they hired me to run that rum
but i drank it until i cummed,
all over that Puerto rican Bum
Jack be nible;
jack be quick;
jack jumped over the candlestick;
but oops he slipped upon the stick;
which went up his ass, and now he is
jack be queer with a candlestick in his ass.
Mary who is 21 yrs old 🙂 had a little lamb
who’s fleece was white as snow
then one day the whore came to play
and i fucked her all day like a whore
there was once a woman named Tracy
who took too much extacy;
As i laid down beside her;
my prick slipped inside her
she then screams like a banshee;
(put it in the wrong hole) 🙂
Hairy hairy sweet little cherry
how i wander how old you are
twas a blessing to lick your taint
I shall taste you again in the morning 🙂
Hairy hairy sweet little cherry
how i wander how old you are
twas a mistake to lick your taint
now im hell a mournin. 🙂
this little boy named dog swalloew a frog, but than his mother saidthat it was a log,but afther a party he sung a song, wich he stole from a grounghog,they found out it was grounghogs day on th same day as his birthday.
There was a girl named clair.
Her body was completely covered with hair.
It was quite a fun,
to poke her with one’s gun.
You know, her quimmy may be anywhere!
I once knew a girl from Wheeling,Who had a particular feeling,She laid on her back and tickled her crack, and pissed all over the ceiling
wow, Fantastic!
great!
There was a girl from Exeter
So beautiful, that men craned their necks at her.
One was even so brave,
to take out and wave,
distinguishing mark of his sex at her.
Tired of her husband’s great mass,
newly wed stuffed her vagina with glass.
Prick of her hubby
is now short and stubby.
For wife, she can piss through her ass.
There was a girl from Sydney.
She could take it right up to her kedney.
But a guy from Qubeck,
shoved it up to her neck.
He had a long one, didn’t he?
My limeric ;D
There once was a man from china
Who wanted to have a vagina
So he sat on a rock
And cut off his cock
And now he’s got a manjina.
There once was a gay boy name Levar.
Who fuck mike in the back of the car.
the horn went beep.
they both went skeet.
and now they can’twalkon there feet.